One of the greatest privileges of being a caregiver is the opportunity to have meaningful conversation with our elders who have the wisdom and the experience that old age brings. Many assume that speaking with a dementia patient is below their intelligence level.
I have been blessed to see otherwise.
The treasure, however, is hidden and the gift does need to be mined carefully! If we accept our seniors exactly where they are on life’s journey, we can access the treasure trove of their wisdom and their unique vantage point.
The first gift we give them is time. Slow time. No agenda time. Time that sits and waits and maybe even works quietly on something else as we wait for the mood of the senior to present itself. This may be in part why professional caregivers can see the gift that family members cannot. A professional caregiver is not burdened by the time we must spend with your loved one. Family members may be stopping in to see “mom” but have other errands or tasks to complete and the time may be rushed. Dementia patients have moods. They have times that will be withdrawn, needy and self-focused and other times where they will be more reflective, other-centered and engaging. Knowing this mood pattern is essential for the deeper connection a family member might seek.
The second gift could be described as going with the flow. Our parents enjoy conversation in the rhythm they remember best. Sometimes this pattern only emerges if you let them talk about something that may seem absolutely crazy to you. Sometimes they play off what they heard you say instead of what you actually said. For example, if you are talking about your child’s birthday party but your mother responds about a party she attended twenty years ago, quickly adjust and ask her questions about her party. What did she wear? How did she feel at the party? Going with the flow is especially important while talking on the telephone. Miscues are more common here and going with the flow works much better than trying to correct Mom’s misdirections. Stay with their topics. Get curious about what is in their brain right now.
Finally it is important to not over-correct facts. Their timeline is more like God’s now; the past isn’t so past and the future is unknowable. Let them talk for a few minutes as if their spouse is still alive or their sister really is coming for a visit next week.(or visited last night) I’ve never had a senior reprimand me for not bringing them down to earth. They usually correct the time lapse on their own after a few dreamy memories come out and then you are there for a truly happy moment where they got to be back in a wonderful place for them.
After they get into the “feel” of conversation, many times the senior will turn the questions to the listener. This, again, is the rhythm they remember from days past. Politeness and give-and-take occur more often after the time investment has first been made to listen. Nothing is better than a thoughtful question that helps them remember their younger days. When a senior puts a life event into a larger perspective is when the true nuggets of wisdom emerge. After they recount a memory, they are able to draw on the larger context of life and put it in better perspective than any of us ever could .
We need to help our loved one see that their perspective and insight is valuable and unobtainable by us “young people". We need to remind them of their inherent dignity and the worth of their years. When we take the time to converse at a level that meets their needs, we will find that ours are met as well.
The giver is truly the receiver.
-Judith Nolan
Daughter, Mom, Caregiver, Listener
